Look Who’s (Not) Talking

Can I just quickly make a sweeping statement about the history of human communication?

Talking sucks.

Seriously, I hate it. You’ve read those futurists’ visions of a dystopian world in which humans are all shut in their basements, connected to other humans only by email? Sounds great to me!

Seriously, lets look at the cons of verbal interaction:

1. No random access recall and no reliable record (what memories you do have of conversations are probably VERY unreliable and one-sided)

2. The timing is all wrong; you’re expected to reply immediately after being spoken to. After which you expect an immediate reply. Terrible way to arrive at thought-out conclusions

3. If you should say something stupid after that split-second interval in which you were expected to formulate something intelligent to say, there is no delete key with which to take it back. No “Unsend Message” button

4. Conversations are only loosely turn-based. By that I mean you have people talking over each other, but more importantly, thinking over each other instead of paying attention. And depending on whom you’re speaking with, it can be difficult to get a complete thought out before being interrupted.

5. It’s an interruptive way of communicating. I can’t set your comment aside and address it later when I have a spare moment.

The only PRO of face-to-face interaction is the ability to gauge the emotion in the other party’s face and the inflection in their voice…and I have to say, humans misread emotion and inflections almost as often in conversation as they do in written communiques.

Spoken word has only survived this long because the human race had at hand a limited supply of stone tablets, quills, parchment, and ink. Luckily, modern technology has lifted the supply limits…we can type as much as we want! And it’s free!

In order, here are the most effective methods of communication, from worst to best:

1. Conference Calls (absolute worst)

2. In-person Meetings

3. Speeches

4. Private Conversations

5. Text Message/Tweet/Wall Post

6. Email

7. Hand-written letter

8. Song

OK, just kidding about that last one.

Speaking of communication methods, the new iPhone has renewed all kinds of enthusiasm for video calling, which is interesting because video calling is DUMB. It’s useful for calling your parents so they can fawn over their grandchildren from thousands of miles away, and it’s probably good for the phone sex industry, but that’s about it.

One of my favorite writers, David Foster Wallace, astutely points out that receiving a video call is less like hearing your phone ring and more like hearing your doorbell ring. Before you can answer, you have to run through a mental checklist:

1. Am I wearing a shirt? Pants? Should I be for this particular video call?

2. Is my hair presentable?

3. Is my room in some state of cleanliness?

4. Am I ready to pay undivided attention to this person for the duration of the call? (they can tell when I get distracted)

5. Do I have broccoli in my teeth?

Kottke.org quotes fairly extensively from DFW’s Infinite Jest to talk about the iPhone’s new FaceTime feature…very good stuff.

And really, how much better would the world be if there was less talking and more singing?