This one goes out to all the realtors: Why do you lie on Craigslist? Seriously, what’s the point? Are you hoping that I’ll see the listing for an “amazing, sun-drenched, ENORMOUS 2BR w/ high ceilings and tons of closet space, steps from subway and park!,” that I’ll call to see it, and then when I do see it, I won’t notice that its a tiny flex-2 cave on 1st Ave and 98th St with a single tiny window and no bedroom closets? That, somehow, the prose in your listing will have touched my soul so deeply that when I see the apartment I will judge it only by your description and not by what my eyes and nose tell me?
Or did you think that once we met, I’d let you take me around to see your other listings, even if the first apartment was a sham? Dude, our relationship is built on a LIE.
Seriously, bro, it’s in your best interest to be straight with me. I wanted to punch you in the mouth when you said you had a big 2BR in Hell’s Kitchen (a nice area, despite the name), and it turned out to have two bedrooms but no living room. Did it not occur to you when we e-mailed and talked on the phone that a living-room-less apartment only appeals to a small subsection of renters? And that I might not be in that subsection? Here’s how you write a post for that apartment, you moron:
Large 2BR apartment in the heart of Hell’s Kitchen, perfect for shares that maybe don’t like each other that much, or maybe just aren’t interested in socializing in a common room. If you’re a private person who needs your space, this is the perfect apartment for you. Each bedroom is big enough for a full bed, dresser, nightstand, and a good-size TV or desk. It’s basically like having an apartment all to yourself, you just have to share a bathroom and a kitchen. But, really, you’re in Hell’s Kitchen…you wouldn’t live in a neighborhood with so many great restaurants if you planned on cooking, right?
Boom, done. It even has the aspirational bit at the end that treats the guy like a reclusive gourmand with fine taste in neighborhoods, when we all know it’s more likely to be some obsessive World of Warcraft player. Anyway, with a post like that, you’re not wasting my time, and you’re not wasting your time. Like the realtor who posted a great-looking apartment on Craigslist today, but failed to mention in the post that it’s on the 5th floor of a walkup. Did it not occur to him that whilst walking up the unmentioned five flights of stairs, the prospective renter might sour on the place before even seeing it? Or that, in the minds of many renters, five flights of stairs is a deal-breaker? Mention it in your post, dummy! I bet the following would totally work:
Beautiful 2BR on the Upper West Side, close to 2/3/1/B/C/A trains, great restaurants, and a NY Sports Club around the corner, but YOU WON’T NEED IT! Instead of going to an expensive gym to bike in place in spin class, burn calories and save money on rent while you climb five flights of stairs to your awesome new abode. This apartment is $300 cheaper per month than the same apartment on the second floor. That’s $10 per day just to walk the stairs. If you leave your apartment an average of twice a day, that’s $5 for each trip up or down the stairs, or a buck a flight. Also, there’s a dishwasher!
With this economy, who can turn down a listing like that? Here’s how I’d write a CL listing for my own apartment:
Cavernous 1BR in a non-doorman building in the boring, quiet financial district. Lots of kitchen cabinets, lots of big closets, and lots of square footage. You’ll need the money you save on rent and doorman tips to buy enough furnishings to fill this airplane hangar of an apartment. The laundry facility isn’t great, and the free gym straight sucks. There are few good restaurants in the area unless you’re on an expense account, and no good grocery stores, and the Duane Reades all close early, but the subway access is the best in the city, and there’s no noise to deal with at night. Also, it has a dishwasher!
Everything you need to know is right there. The first person to call and schedule a viewing will probably take the place; so instead of showing the apartment to 50 people who aren’t a good match, you can spend your newly freed-up time writing pithy listings, or reading the nasty reader comments on Curbed. And we can spend our free time NOT walking around with a realtor. Everybody wins!
Oh, BTW, we’re apartment hunting. If the above post sounds good to you, call me and I’ll put you in touch with the building manager to rent the place. You now know all the pros and cons. Did I mention there’s a dishwasher?
